Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
