I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
