i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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