Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
