just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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