onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
