Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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