Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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