Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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