I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
