I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he thought i was a dude.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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