You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
