somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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