i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
