She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
