I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
