I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
