So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
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I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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