I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
