dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
