So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
