When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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