you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
