I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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