After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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