It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
