mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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