I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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