im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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