I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
