i barfeds in our rink
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We need a shit load of segways right now
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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