felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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