Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
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My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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