I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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