My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
