Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
