just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
