Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
People in love make me want to vomit
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
