There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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