ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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