Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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