saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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