Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
