Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
