every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
