did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.