I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
