Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
