It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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