hotel room ftw
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
