i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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