Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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