Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you had me at cake vodka
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
