watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
