she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
