Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
