Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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