Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
