can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sex in a hospital.. check
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
