whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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