Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
