I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
