My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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